Just got a response from an agent to a query, which is something, since a good number of them don't even bother to respond. And it was quick. Points for him.
But he declines to read my novel or represent it. So on to the next. In this modern age of publishing, you need to have some celebrity to get an agent or publishing house interested in you. Maybe I need a show on Faux News, spouting ignorant opinions about people who aren't like me. Then I could get published! Just go into any big bookstore for proof, and see the many titles by those with nothing to say.
Ah, well. Traditional publishing is going the way of the dinosaurs, and it's no surprise. Nowadays there are good alternatives, and no reason not to use them. I've been loyally going the old way out of a sense of duty, but I'm fed up with their gatekeeping, which lets few in unless they've already made it.
I've got to get my books out before I'm dead-- that's the plan. So I've set a deadline. If there are no agents or publishers smart enough to want a good novel or story collection by the end of next year, I'll forego the privilege of making them money, and go another route.
In case you think this is just whiny me, consider the best-selling author, James Lee Burke. He's such a good writer he can make you weep with the beauty of his prose. His book, the Lost Get-Back Boogie got rejected 111 times over a period of 9 years. When it was finally published, it won the Pulitzer Prize for fiction...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Don't See Robin Hood!
Q: What has 18 movies mashed together and still doesn't move?
A: The awful, crappy new movie of Robin Hood, starring Russell Crowe...
This riddle was inspired by one of the bits of business in the film. It comes right after the homage to Monty Python. Yeah, Monty Python. They had no idea what kind of movie they should make, so they took every sword film that made a buck in the last twenty or so years (longer for Python, I know), mixed in a few others, and threw it against the wall to see what stuck. Well, none of it stuck, but it stunk. It's a runny, nasty, mess, and it reeks. It's also an offense to history, and good filmmaking. Sure, there are bits and pieces of it that look nice, but they're gleaming specks of Fool's Gold in the dungpile.
About three minutes and six eyerolls in, my wife turns to me and says, “I didn't know this was supposed to be a comedy!” Now this could be a fun film if you wanted to make a parody that incorporates bits of other movies to make fun of them, a la Scary Movie, Hot Shots, and that genre. Maybe that's how it started. But they played it straight (mostly), and the result is the crud at the bottom of the pool at the sewage plant. No one should go watch this bilge-- it's not even bad enough to be fun. And this from a guy who LOVES sword movies and Robin Hood. It's not often that a film offends me so strongly, and on so many levels, but this one managed. So why is it so bad? Oh, so many reasons. Here's just a few.
1: Needless, hyperactive jumping around in time and place, like a bad thriller novel.
2: A complete lack of internal logic, with stupid plot holes you could drive the French Army through.
3: Modern bits of business that don't belong in a period piece.
4: Historical detail of a history that never happened. Your audience members are not as stupid and ignorant as your scriptwriters, guys.
5: Characters acting like idiots, and for no reason.
6: Other laughable dumb stuff.
7: The “Kitchen sink” theory of the more crap you stuff in, the better someone will like something.
8: Bad guys have shaven, bald heads, kings have long curls and ringlets, good guys have short hair. And every adult male has one prominent scar.
9: Horrible lines and dialogue.
10. Obvious thefts from better movies, and too many of them. A partial list:
Gladiator (Russell Crowe is the noble guy who stands up to the black-haired, suddenly-crowned, psycho despot, and suffers)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (None shall pass!)
Braveheart (Freedom! Uh, these bozos live in monarchies, and that's treason)
Lord of the Rings (Robin Longstrider- Aragorn/Strider)
Peter Pan (This one is especially puzzling- see below)
Kingdom of Heaven (Modern multicultural sympathy for the Muslims, from the Crusaders)
A Knight's Tale (Right down to the chubby, funny sidekick from that film, playing the chubby, funny sidekick, Friar Tuck)
Saving Private Ryan (They love that D-Day landing footage so much, they recreated it-- in the Year 1200, and had the French invade England (already done, dimwits, ever hear of 1066?), with LST's no less, a type of landing craft not invented until World War II. WTF? Why didn't they just mount machine guns on them?)
Some things to smack the producers of this crapfest in the head for, for wasting two hours and twenty minutes of my life:
--The Magna Carta was not created circa 1170 by a stonemason, and it was not created to provide all the common men of England with rights. It was a forced agreement from a bunch of rich, powerful guys who wanted to show the King he wasn't as big as he thought he was.
--So you admit that King Richard had been held for ransom for 4 years on his way home from the Crusades-- so where does this “along for the ride” Crusader army spring from? I guess they just hung out in the woods for 4 years, huh? Yeah, that would happen. And if Richard is “pillaging his way across France”, where's this mighty French invasion force that comes along a short time later? I guess they were building their WWII-era LSTs and couldn't be bothered to stop him.
--What the hell is up with the Peter Pan-like/Lord of the Flies Lost Boys? They keep getting tossed into the plot for no reason, like a bad spice. And at the big battle scene, poor, foraging forest kids suddenly show up riding tiny horses (Shetland ponies?) and plunge into battle (for what possible reason?) with little more than fur loincloths and sticks, against well-equipped soldiers. Yeah, pit the equivalent of a couple of fifth-grade soccer teams to fight fully-armed combat vets-- that should be entertaining, for about five minutes-- if you want a bunch of needlessly dead kids.
--A soldier's sword was a necessary piece of equipment, upon which his life depended, and would have cost quite a bit-- and yet in this move, they use their swords as prybars (snap!), hammers, can openers, whatever. The lead doofus pounds the hilt of his his weapon (also an important heirloom) on stone slabs, which would break the sword-- despite the fact he has a 6'9” guy behind him with a giant war hammer!
--Apparently, Robin's men can teleport, because they're on the cliff tops in one shot, and two shots later are in the thick of battle. How'd you guys do that?
--Robin sleeps a few feet in front of an absolute roaring, six-foot high fireplace bonfire. Know how much heat that puts out? They don't, obviously. Robin would have roasted like a chicken. Oh, and with no grate, the floor in front of this bonfire is covered with nice, dry straw. Let's just say Locksley Hall would be a black pile of ashes by morning.
--Wow, coronations for the new King of England need no ceremony, just mom picking up a crowned helmet and slapping it on her other son's head. Done deal.
--Numerous “proclamations” nailed to a tree (oops, Harry Potter snippet) for an illiterate populace, when paper was ridiculously valuable. And a guy yelling for a nail, like everyone's carrying them around in their pocket. Yeah, even nails were worth a bunch back then, and not that common.
There's so much more, but just don't bother. This movie should not have been made, and should not survive and flourish. If it makes money, there will be more crap films like it, so let it die like the stinking turkey it is.
A: The awful, crappy new movie of Robin Hood, starring Russell Crowe...
This riddle was inspired by one of the bits of business in the film. It comes right after the homage to Monty Python. Yeah, Monty Python. They had no idea what kind of movie they should make, so they took every sword film that made a buck in the last twenty or so years (longer for Python, I know), mixed in a few others, and threw it against the wall to see what stuck. Well, none of it stuck, but it stunk. It's a runny, nasty, mess, and it reeks. It's also an offense to history, and good filmmaking. Sure, there are bits and pieces of it that look nice, but they're gleaming specks of Fool's Gold in the dungpile.
About three minutes and six eyerolls in, my wife turns to me and says, “I didn't know this was supposed to be a comedy!” Now this could be a fun film if you wanted to make a parody that incorporates bits of other movies to make fun of them, a la Scary Movie, Hot Shots, and that genre. Maybe that's how it started. But they played it straight (mostly), and the result is the crud at the bottom of the pool at the sewage plant. No one should go watch this bilge-- it's not even bad enough to be fun. And this from a guy who LOVES sword movies and Robin Hood. It's not often that a film offends me so strongly, and on so many levels, but this one managed. So why is it so bad? Oh, so many reasons. Here's just a few.
1: Needless, hyperactive jumping around in time and place, like a bad thriller novel.
2: A complete lack of internal logic, with stupid plot holes you could drive the French Army through.
3: Modern bits of business that don't belong in a period piece.
4: Historical detail of a history that never happened. Your audience members are not as stupid and ignorant as your scriptwriters, guys.
5: Characters acting like idiots, and for no reason.
6: Other laughable dumb stuff.
7: The “Kitchen sink” theory of the more crap you stuff in, the better someone will like something.
8: Bad guys have shaven, bald heads, kings have long curls and ringlets, good guys have short hair. And every adult male has one prominent scar.
9: Horrible lines and dialogue.
10. Obvious thefts from better movies, and too many of them. A partial list:
Gladiator (Russell Crowe is the noble guy who stands up to the black-haired, suddenly-crowned, psycho despot, and suffers)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (None shall pass!)
Braveheart (Freedom! Uh, these bozos live in monarchies, and that's treason)
Lord of the Rings (Robin Longstrider- Aragorn/Strider)
Peter Pan (This one is especially puzzling- see below)
Kingdom of Heaven (Modern multicultural sympathy for the Muslims, from the Crusaders)
A Knight's Tale (Right down to the chubby, funny sidekick from that film, playing the chubby, funny sidekick, Friar Tuck)
Saving Private Ryan (They love that D-Day landing footage so much, they recreated it-- in the Year 1200, and had the French invade England (already done, dimwits, ever hear of 1066?), with LST's no less, a type of landing craft not invented until World War II. WTF? Why didn't they just mount machine guns on them?)
Some things to smack the producers of this crapfest in the head for, for wasting two hours and twenty minutes of my life:
--The Magna Carta was not created circa 1170 by a stonemason, and it was not created to provide all the common men of England with rights. It was a forced agreement from a bunch of rich, powerful guys who wanted to show the King he wasn't as big as he thought he was.
--So you admit that King Richard had been held for ransom for 4 years on his way home from the Crusades-- so where does this “along for the ride” Crusader army spring from? I guess they just hung out in the woods for 4 years, huh? Yeah, that would happen. And if Richard is “pillaging his way across France”, where's this mighty French invasion force that comes along a short time later? I guess they were building their WWII-era LSTs and couldn't be bothered to stop him.
--What the hell is up with the Peter Pan-like/Lord of the Flies Lost Boys? They keep getting tossed into the plot for no reason, like a bad spice. And at the big battle scene, poor, foraging forest kids suddenly show up riding tiny horses (Shetland ponies?) and plunge into battle (for what possible reason?) with little more than fur loincloths and sticks, against well-equipped soldiers. Yeah, pit the equivalent of a couple of fifth-grade soccer teams to fight fully-armed combat vets-- that should be entertaining, for about five minutes-- if you want a bunch of needlessly dead kids.
--A soldier's sword was a necessary piece of equipment, upon which his life depended, and would have cost quite a bit-- and yet in this move, they use their swords as prybars (snap!), hammers, can openers, whatever. The lead doofus pounds the hilt of his his weapon (also an important heirloom) on stone slabs, which would break the sword-- despite the fact he has a 6'9” guy behind him with a giant war hammer!
--Apparently, Robin's men can teleport, because they're on the cliff tops in one shot, and two shots later are in the thick of battle. How'd you guys do that?
--Robin sleeps a few feet in front of an absolute roaring, six-foot high fireplace bonfire. Know how much heat that puts out? They don't, obviously. Robin would have roasted like a chicken. Oh, and with no grate, the floor in front of this bonfire is covered with nice, dry straw. Let's just say Locksley Hall would be a black pile of ashes by morning.
--Wow, coronations for the new King of England need no ceremony, just mom picking up a crowned helmet and slapping it on her other son's head. Done deal.
--Numerous “proclamations” nailed to a tree (oops, Harry Potter snippet) for an illiterate populace, when paper was ridiculously valuable. And a guy yelling for a nail, like everyone's carrying them around in their pocket. Yeah, even nails were worth a bunch back then, and not that common.
There's so much more, but just don't bother. This movie should not have been made, and should not survive and flourish. If it makes money, there will be more crap films like it, so let it die like the stinking turkey it is.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Great Book
There's a great book out, which gives us all hope for the future. There are so many doom-and-gloom tomes around, you get to feeling a trifle paranoid.
For a switch, read "The Empathic Civilization" by Jeremy Rifkin. He's got a better take on history, not that we're all headed down the poop chute, but rather that we're getting more empathic, and that's good, because if we do, we could survive. (So, yeah, there's a caveat. But anyone who thinks we can go on waging war forever without a threat to us all is dangerously deluded.)
He gives compelling evidence, and makes a great case. Well done. Despite what we have seen in this country since 2000-- a complete lack of empathy from our leaders, elected and not-- many other people are getting it, and moving toward empathy.
I like to believe in hope for this human race and this planet. When I was born, there were no civil rights, and segregation was the law of the land. Not anymore, it's illegal to discriminate.
The Berlin Wall kept thousands trapped, and many died trying to get out. The Wall is gone now, a historical artifact.
Apartheid was also law in South Africa, and that's gone now as well.
Over and over, people are getting it. Sure, there are some throwbacks, but let's hope evolution takes care of them. We're all on Lifeboat Earth, folks, and better take care of each other. When you help others, you help yourself.
For a switch, read "The Empathic Civilization" by Jeremy Rifkin. He's got a better take on history, not that we're all headed down the poop chute, but rather that we're getting more empathic, and that's good, because if we do, we could survive. (So, yeah, there's a caveat. But anyone who thinks we can go on waging war forever without a threat to us all is dangerously deluded.)
He gives compelling evidence, and makes a great case. Well done. Despite what we have seen in this country since 2000-- a complete lack of empathy from our leaders, elected and not-- many other people are getting it, and moving toward empathy.
I like to believe in hope for this human race and this planet. When I was born, there were no civil rights, and segregation was the law of the land. Not anymore, it's illegal to discriminate.
The Berlin Wall kept thousands trapped, and many died trying to get out. The Wall is gone now, a historical artifact.
Apartheid was also law in South Africa, and that's gone now as well.
Over and over, people are getting it. Sure, there are some throwbacks, but let's hope evolution takes care of them. We're all on Lifeboat Earth, folks, and better take care of each other. When you help others, you help yourself.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mother's Day
Today is the day we thank our Mom for giving us life and nurture. There also may be gifts and cards involved.
After today, I'm putting a moratorium on receiving greeting cards on holidays, because the greedy buggers have jacked average prices up to the ripoff range, between 4 and 6 dollars. For a card. Yeah, 2-4 wasn't enough. I'm one of the few guys who tries to remember birthdays and such and would always send cards, a small way of saying "hi". But the industry has got to the point where their greed has pushed over the line. Time to stop buying and exchanging store-bought cards. Time for new tradtions and ways of expressing our caring for others. Time for greedy greeting-card manufacturers to go out of business.
How about making a donation to a worthy cause instead? I've had friends do this for me for birthdays in the past, and I'm delighted that they helped someone- it meant so much more than a card which got opened, read, and immediately put aside. Or try just saying a few words of caring to their face. Or even send an e-card, if you need to hang onto that way of doing things.
One of the best ways to thank mothers is to improve the world- and we can do that by getting rid of the waste of the greeting-card industry, all the paper and envelopes and money funneled into the hands of a few. Let's put that money to better use, and show more caring than ever.
After today, I'm putting a moratorium on receiving greeting cards on holidays, because the greedy buggers have jacked average prices up to the ripoff range, between 4 and 6 dollars. For a card. Yeah, 2-4 wasn't enough. I'm one of the few guys who tries to remember birthdays and such and would always send cards, a small way of saying "hi". But the industry has got to the point where their greed has pushed over the line. Time to stop buying and exchanging store-bought cards. Time for new tradtions and ways of expressing our caring for others. Time for greedy greeting-card manufacturers to go out of business.
How about making a donation to a worthy cause instead? I've had friends do this for me for birthdays in the past, and I'm delighted that they helped someone- it meant so much more than a card which got opened, read, and immediately put aside. Or try just saying a few words of caring to their face. Or even send an e-card, if you need to hang onto that way of doing things.
One of the best ways to thank mothers is to improve the world- and we can do that by getting rid of the waste of the greeting-card industry, all the paper and envelopes and money funneled into the hands of a few. Let's put that money to better use, and show more caring than ever.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Obit for Lynn Redgrave
The current news is that Lynn Redgrave passed away. I'm writing this because I met her, back in the 70's, when I was an apprentice, working as an unpaid volunteer at a Summer theater. The people headlining there seemed famous to me, because they'd been in movies, plays, and television. They seemed glamourous from afar, less so the closer one got. A fair number of them were bitter, unhappy neurotics.
I didn't know her well, only that she was nervous around lightning. As I recall, a co-star of hers was an absolute dick, some old has-been British (or British wannabe) actor, who would get drunk every night and abuse the people around him. How'd you like to be yoked to someone like that for the Summer?
To a 19-year old, these people were Olympians, but now I read that Ms. Redgrave was a mere 14 years older than me, which made her only 33 at the time. Yet to me she had made it. Then you read the modern obits, and they make it sound like she had somehow failed at something-- as if a couple of Academy Award nominations were nothing. Or television, and plays, and a number of other things. Ah, but look at her sister and father and niece, the journalists say. Geez, can't anybody me modestly successful in their own right? I guess if you're from a famous family, you always get compared to the most successful ones. That's gotta suck.
Well, she makes it here because she also did some writing, telling about her life and her struggles with it, so we salute and remember the passing of a writer.
I'm very often surprised when successful people turn out to be unhappy, with a lot of troubles. That Summer was the first revelation of that kind: that money and success were no guarantees of happiness.
I didn't know her well, only that she was nervous around lightning. As I recall, a co-star of hers was an absolute dick, some old has-been British (or British wannabe) actor, who would get drunk every night and abuse the people around him. How'd you like to be yoked to someone like that for the Summer?
To a 19-year old, these people were Olympians, but now I read that Ms. Redgrave was a mere 14 years older than me, which made her only 33 at the time. Yet to me she had made it. Then you read the modern obits, and they make it sound like she had somehow failed at something-- as if a couple of Academy Award nominations were nothing. Or television, and plays, and a number of other things. Ah, but look at her sister and father and niece, the journalists say. Geez, can't anybody me modestly successful in their own right? I guess if you're from a famous family, you always get compared to the most successful ones. That's gotta suck.
Well, she makes it here because she also did some writing, telling about her life and her struggles with it, so we salute and remember the passing of a writer.
I'm very often surprised when successful people turn out to be unhappy, with a lot of troubles. That Summer was the first revelation of that kind: that money and success were no guarantees of happiness.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Website Updates
Just spent a few hours on maintenance, first finding a new market for a story, then updating my website:
www.daletphillips.com
Lots of changes, so it took awhile, and putting in every meta tag you can think of takes some time! But it looks good, there's some new material, and the links seem to be working. If you go there and find something that needs editing, please let me know. Let's hope the search engines pick up the new tags and list me in searches.
Yeah, remember when writers just had to be writers? Now we have to be web designers, marketers, bloggers, publicists, and wear many more hats. Now if I could just find my writing hat and get some more good writing done...
www.daletphillips.com
Lots of changes, so it took awhile, and putting in every meta tag you can think of takes some time! But it looks good, there's some new material, and the links seem to be working. If you go there and find something that needs editing, please let me know. Let's hope the search engines pick up the new tags and list me in searches.
Yeah, remember when writers just had to be writers? Now we have to be web designers, marketers, bloggers, publicists, and wear many more hats. Now if I could just find my writing hat and get some more good writing done...
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Another Story Sale
Wow- the fastest turnaround EVER on a story. I submitted "Bootleggers" to Short-Story.Me last night, and it was read and accepted by 4 today! Makes me pretty happy, and I needed the boost. Still kind of stunned at the speed in which it happened.
This was a story I rewrote several times, from different points of view. I finally got it to where I was pleased and proud of it, and am happy it has found a home. Within a few weeks you'll be able to read it.
So this goes to show that those many magazines which take months to decide on a story, are just plain lazy. This place is certainly unusually fast, but it shouldn't take more than 3 months for some editor to read a short story!
Well, I'd like to write more, but my daughter has a school band concert tonight. I'll keep you posted on further developments.
This was a story I rewrote several times, from different points of view. I finally got it to where I was pleased and proud of it, and am happy it has found a home. Within a few weeks you'll be able to read it.
So this goes to show that those many magazines which take months to decide on a story, are just plain lazy. This place is certainly unusually fast, but it shouldn't take more than 3 months for some editor to read a short story!
Well, I'd like to write more, but my daughter has a school band concert tonight. I'll keep you posted on further developments.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)